I can't breathe out the right side of my face
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
