Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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