This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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