he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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