she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
