Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
