Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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