She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
