i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
