I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
