so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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