hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
