this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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