he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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