i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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