Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
