Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
