I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
