see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
