Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
