I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
