recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
