I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
