i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
