since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
