go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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