i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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