billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This house was built for laser tag.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
