We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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