You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I know her cup size but not her name....
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
