Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
