Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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