Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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