I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
