Pappa wants mamma naked
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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