my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
