there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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