We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
