There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
