dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
