Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
