I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
