I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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