Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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