I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
