Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
