If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
