guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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