my mouth tastes like poor choices
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
