Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i came on her dog
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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