You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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